Have you ever tried to run away from the thing you want more than anything else in the world? The one thing that brings you the most joy, happiness, and love? I know, it makes no sense to do so, but I have done it. I had at my fingertips the one thing, the one person really, that I want more than anyone else in the world. Edward Cullen. I love him and I have loved him for years. He is the most cumulatively wonderful person I have ever known. He is a very good man, with a soft heart, a strong mind, who took so much effort to keep a smile on my face, try to get some wisdom in my head, and succeeded in solidifying joy and love in my heart. He has made me happier than any other person ever could. He is at the very core of my being. My contentment in life has revolved around my feelings for him, for several years now. So how could I leave him? I left because I could envsion myself waiting around forever for him, wistfully, but not unhappily, watching my hopes and dreams die with the passing years. Dreams of life with him. Life, family, and growing old together. In my mind it had been too many years already. The years kept going... my silly 'plan' was not happening. That was such foolish thought. Time. Who cares about time. It means nothing when all is said and done. I will not have missed opportunities and huge regrets unless I try to do things my way. I see that now. I tried to make things happen my way, in my time frame. When that didn't work I tried to push him out, to cover it from my view, to leave no room for thoughts of him and no thought for what I was giving up. I filled my time with other people, Eric Yorkie and Mike Newton, people who said they wanted me. People who said they would make all my dreams come true. I found Jacob Black, my friend and my distraction. Jacob has been an effective distraction, he showed me a different side of life, he did nothing Edward does. He was both attractive and detestable, for that reason. When I left Edward I thought somehow that he would see me with them, living without him, then giving him a reason to act quickly or lose me. Edward asked me if that's what was going on and I denied it both to him and to myself, but in hindsight, I thought he would come for me. Isn't that what happens in books and movies? He didn't. I can't believe I attempted it. I should have known. He knows I will always do as it suits me and if I desired to go, he would not stop me. Now, I think of him often. I listen to the words of the songs he meant for me, and the meaning behind those words. I hear his voice in my mind, encouraging me, congratulating me, and chidding me with every effort, success, and failure. I think of what was there, what I threw away. We had something that happens only once in a lifetime. Just once. We have both been so consumed by the inconvenient details (that appear as a mountain instead of the speck of sand they actually are in the eternal view) to realize that it will be the sorrow at our pride that will keep us up nights for years and years into the future wishing that things, lots of things, had been done differently. I wish now that I could undo what has been done. I wish that things between us were the way they were before everything got so mixed up. I wish I had listened to my heart instead of my foolish head. I wish I hadn't listened to what everyone filled it up with. That's just the trouble though with wishes... they're made of coins dropped in wells, first stars in the night sky, hopes for handsome princes and dreams of castles in the clouds. Even so, I drop coins into fountains, wait for the first star of the evening, and my birthday wish has been the same for 4 years and will be for years to come... just in case there is any truth to it. But I'm terribly afraid that wishing for it just doesn't make it so. I don't know if it even could be undone, if we could start over. I asked him if I could meet him in Rome, under the clock tower... to save us before it was too late. He declined. He is in Rome, but I don't know where the clock tower is, and he does not want me to come. He is done. I left him and he has taken efforts to mend and get on without me. I could not really expect otherwise. What other choice did I leave for him? I find myself grappling for the truth that I know is there, but I see no evidence of it. It's just air. I cannot fathom that it could be true, it cannot be done... it isn't done, it never has been, it should never be. What is meant to be, must be, right? I want him back. I asked him if he could take me back after the cruel pain I inflicted on him. He said that he could not answer, because either answer yeilded unfavorable results. What can I hear now but those words, "I have been thinking about it a lot lately, every day, all day actually, and I don't think it's a good idea." I want him back. I don't care what anybody thinks or what anybody says about time, or what I deserve, or anything really. I was happier and more content with him than I ever was at any time without his presence in my life. Sure, things weren't perfect, there was always something to work on, something that would have been really nice to never have had to deal with, something he could change or I could change. But I was happy with him. Sure, he wasn't as perfect as I initially thought, I am far from the wonderful things he thought of me, but I love his perfect imperfections, the things that added spice to life... even if sometimes that spice was paprika. Well, that's not maybe the best descriptive spice for it. Most times I was the paprika... he was usually more like rosemary; wonderful, and something I'd never experienced before meeting him. If I could tell him something I would say, Edward, I'm so sorry I left you. I'm so sorry. Please... I know it's inconvenient, and very scary for both of us, but I don't want my life to be lived without you. My shortsightedness was foolish, selfish pride. I can't believe I gave you up, and gave up on you, for those things. Would any of you reading this give away what you have, your love, the person who is your world because he or she didn't see things quite the way you did? Especially if he or she was right? Only he and I know the story, the ins and outs of what and why things happened the way they did. Only he and I knew that no matter the good or the bad it looked like on the outside, we are perfect for each other. Almost all of our strengths and weaknesses compliment the other. Only he and I knew that nothing mattered except what our hearts spoke to eachother. We knew that until I chose to disregard it because I thought that he didn't want me as much as Mike and Eric did. Oh how prodigiously wrong I was. A mere six months later I don't speak to either of them. I have been a fool... for nothing. I would give anything to change this, to break this distance.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
My New Moon
Have you ever tried to run away from the thing you want more than anything else in the world? The one thing that brings you the most joy, happiness, and love? I know, it makes no sense to do so, but I have done it. I had at my fingertips the one thing, the one person really, that I want more than anyone else in the world. Edward Cullen. I love him and I have loved him for years. He is the most cumulatively wonderful person I have ever known. He is a very good man, with a soft heart, a strong mind, who took so much effort to keep a smile on my face, try to get some wisdom in my head, and succeeded in solidifying joy and love in my heart. He has made me happier than any other person ever could. He is at the very core of my being. My contentment in life has revolved around my feelings for him, for several years now. So how could I leave him? I left because I could envsion myself waiting around forever for him, wistfully, but not unhappily, watching my hopes and dreams die with the passing years. Dreams of life with him. Life, family, and growing old together. In my mind it had been too many years already. The years kept going... my silly 'plan' was not happening. That was such foolish thought. Time. Who cares about time. It means nothing when all is said and done. I will not have missed opportunities and huge regrets unless I try to do things my way. I see that now. I tried to make things happen my way, in my time frame. When that didn't work I tried to push him out, to cover it from my view, to leave no room for thoughts of him and no thought for what I was giving up. I filled my time with other people, Eric Yorkie and Mike Newton, people who said they wanted me. People who said they would make all my dreams come true. I found Jacob Black, my friend and my distraction. Jacob has been an effective distraction, he showed me a different side of life, he did nothing Edward does. He was both attractive and detestable, for that reason. When I left Edward I thought somehow that he would see me with them, living without him, then giving him a reason to act quickly or lose me. Edward asked me if that's what was going on and I denied it both to him and to myself, but in hindsight, I thought he would come for me. Isn't that what happens in books and movies? He didn't. I can't believe I attempted it. I should have known. He knows I will always do as it suits me and if I desired to go, he would not stop me. Now, I think of him often. I listen to the words of the songs he meant for me, and the meaning behind those words. I hear his voice in my mind, encouraging me, congratulating me, and chidding me with every effort, success, and failure. I think of what was there, what I threw away. We had something that happens only once in a lifetime. Just once. We have both been so consumed by the inconvenient details (that appear as a mountain instead of the speck of sand they actually are in the eternal view) to realize that it will be the sorrow at our pride that will keep us up nights for years and years into the future wishing that things, lots of things, had been done differently. I wish now that I could undo what has been done. I wish that things between us were the way they were before everything got so mixed up. I wish I had listened to my heart instead of my foolish head. I wish I hadn't listened to what everyone filled it up with. That's just the trouble though with wishes... they're made of coins dropped in wells, first stars in the night sky, hopes for handsome princes and dreams of castles in the clouds. Even so, I drop coins into fountains, wait for the first star of the evening, and my birthday wish has been the same for 4 years and will be for years to come... just in case there is any truth to it. But I'm terribly afraid that wishing for it just doesn't make it so. I don't know if it even could be undone, if we could start over. I asked him if I could meet him in Rome, under the clock tower... to save us before it was too late. He declined. He is in Rome, but I don't know where the clock tower is, and he does not want me to come. He is done. I left him and he has taken efforts to mend and get on without me. I could not really expect otherwise. What other choice did I leave for him? I find myself grappling for the truth that I know is there, but I see no evidence of it. It's just air. I cannot fathom that it could be true, it cannot be done... it isn't done, it never has been, it should never be. What is meant to be, must be, right? I want him back. I asked him if he could take me back after the cruel pain I inflicted on him. He said that he could not answer, because either answer yeilded unfavorable results. What can I hear now but those words, "I have been thinking about it a lot lately, every day, all day actually, and I don't think it's a good idea." I want him back. I don't care what anybody thinks or what anybody says about time, or what I deserve, or anything really. I was happier and more content with him than I ever was at any time without his presence in my life. Sure, things weren't perfect, there was always something to work on, something that would have been really nice to never have had to deal with, something he could change or I could change. But I was happy with him. Sure, he wasn't as perfect as I initially thought, I am far from the wonderful things he thought of me, but I love his perfect imperfections, the things that added spice to life... even if sometimes that spice was paprika. Well, that's not maybe the best descriptive spice for it. Most times I was the paprika... he was usually more like rosemary; wonderful, and something I'd never experienced before meeting him. If I could tell him something I would say, Edward, I'm so sorry I left you. I'm so sorry. Please... I know it's inconvenient, and very scary for both of us, but I don't want my life to be lived without you. My shortsightedness was foolish, selfish pride. I can't believe I gave you up, and gave up on you, for those things. Would any of you reading this give away what you have, your love, the person who is your world because he or she didn't see things quite the way you did? Especially if he or she was right? Only he and I know the story, the ins and outs of what and why things happened the way they did. Only he and I knew that no matter the good or the bad it looked like on the outside, we are perfect for each other. Almost all of our strengths and weaknesses compliment the other. Only he and I knew that nothing mattered except what our hearts spoke to eachother. We knew that until I chose to disregard it because I thought that he didn't want me as much as Mike and Eric did. Oh how prodigiously wrong I was. A mere six months later I don't speak to either of them. I have been a fool... for nothing. I would give anything to change this, to break this distance.
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