One, Two, Three Strikes... You're OUT!!!

I used to work with a girl named Rihanna. She was fun, outgoing, and up for pretty much anything all the time. We were about the same age and had similar social interests and so were instantly friends.

One problem though, she had a boyfriend of two years and I was single and dating. She was convinced that my life would be better if I had a boyfriend, and was determined to get me one. I didn't feel that I was lacking at all, but if she wanted to get me a date that might turn into more I was certainly not opposed to it. She gave me the verbal questionnaire of what things I was looking for, what things I like and dislike in a man, and then set to work finding my perfect match. This is the story of the 3 worst matches by a single person in history.
Match #1
Benicio

He was first. Rihanna had said she knew him well. He was a friend of her family, had been for many years, and she saw him often. He was a good guy, she said. When he came to pick me up I was a little surprised at how much older he looked than me. Oh well, I looked young, maybe he just looked older, I'm a terrible judge of age. Nope, as it turned out, he was 11 years older than I was. I knew at once it wasn't going to go anywhere, but I figured I may as well not make an awkward situation, so we went on the double date with Rihanna and her boyfriend. We went to the state fair. We rode a few rides, talked, got ice cream and had a lovely time. I was absolutely sure that anyone observing us would think that I was his daughter, not his date, and so I did not take the opportunity to hold his hand when he offered it to me. That was it, kind of. That is, I never saw him again. I never expected there to be anything else. About a month and a half later I was driving home from work when my phone rang. It was a woman on the other line who was crying and I could hardly understand her through her sobs. I told her to calm down and when she was more calm she asked me if I knew Benicio. I said that I had met him and we had gone out once. She started sobbing again and asked me to please tell her the truth, was anything going on between us? I replied that I had not seen or spoken to him since that first day and that I had no intention to. She said then that she was his wife and that they were expecting a child and had two already! I was shocked! She had found my number in his coat pocket and was terribly distraught about it. I reassured her that I was no threat to her at all and we got off the phone. The next time I saw Rihanna I asked her what on Earth she was thinking setting me up on a date with a married man!!! I told her she must be absolutely crazy to do that! She insisted that she had someone better, and I reminded her that I was much younger than he was, and expected her to set me up with someone closer to my age, and who was NOT already married!!! I couldn't believe I needed to specify that! She apologized profusely and about a week later told me about the next match. She was certain I would like this one.
Match #2
Ryan

Well, she was correct when she told me he was a handsome guy, young, and owned his own business. We had planned another double date. Dinner this time. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant in Scottsdale. He was 15 minutes late. He pulled up in a silver, hard-top convertible BMW. He got out and was dressed in a white wife-beater and jeans. He was cute enough, but when he got to us I noticed that he seemed very distracted, but by what I could not tell. He was paying attention, but there was something strange about his eyes and the way they moved and didn't seem to be very focused. When we went in and sat down I noticed that there was a very odd smell about him. It was sweet but pungent, and I'd never smelled it before. As we sat he talked about his dog, and his business, and his car, and whatever else he could think of, and didn't ask me much of anything about myself. I was fine with that, and didn't feel the need to talk about myself, so I listened. For 2 hours. The four of us went to check out his new apartment he had just bought and by then I had resigned myself to two facts that I knew about him. First, he was not interested in me at all. Second, he was very very high. As I drove home a short while later I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of it. Here was this guy who was indeed what I said I wanted, and yet he was even so, absolutely nothing I wanted. The next time I saw Rihanna I asked her if she had taken into consideration that I do not ever swear, I do not ever drink, and I most certainly had not ever been high. What would make her think that Ryan was a good match for me? She agreed that she had not considered that and could see now why I would have no interest in a man like that. It wasn't long though before she had picked out the absolute perfect match.
Match #3
Freddie

It took some pretty serious convincing on Rihanna's part before I was willing to even give her a third chance to find my one and only someone. She told me that Freddie was such a good guy, he had never gotten into trouble, he was handsome, he was the guy her own mother wished she would end up with... and he owned a motorcycle. Ok, the bike did it. I have to say, with the way she talked him up, and how bad she had done before, I had hopes that this one really would be just right. I had detailed what I would not tolerate and he was none of those things. He arrived on his bike, with Rihanna and her boyfriend on another. He took off his helmet and I was satisfied. He introduced himself and seemed to be just a bit shy. I was ok with that, it could even be considered cute. Only a moment later I was on the back of his bike and the four of us were heading 25 minutes up the freeway to a very popular car show where we were all guaranteed to at least have a nice evening looking at beautiful cars. When we arrived he quickly noticed a group of his friends near us and excused himself to greet them. I didn't mind, I was with Rihanna and I didn't want to be an inconvenience to his quick salutations. A moment turned into ten, then twenty, then thirty. Rihanna's boyfriend had joined Freddie and she and I were ready to stop standing around and go look at the cars. So, we did. We had a great time enjoying the many cars we saw. They were stunning and interesting to look at, at the least. We had seen most of them when it started to rain. Being aware of what our hair was going to do in that weather we hurried to find the guys. Rihanna found her boyfriend and she said we ought to go somewhere we could get some dinner. He went to find Freddie and took long enough that Rihanna went after him. When she came back she told me why he was not able to be found. He had gone up the street to a movie, with his friends. So, there I was across town, in the rain, without any way of getting home, and my date who had said 12 words to me was somewhere in the general vicinity at a movie with his friends. A movie that had started not long before and so would be a few hours until it was over. Well, that was it, I'd had enough. I told Rihanna that if she knew a man named Prince Charming who was handsome, rich, kind, exciting, interesting, and had every other quality that may be desired in a man, she was Absolutely Not to mention one word, no, not one breath of a word of him to me. I would never ever endure one more bout of her attempts at matchmaking for the duration of my life. I was livid... in the calmest possible way. So, there have been dates that made me cringe, there have been men that have made me wonder how that even happened, and there have been times that I wonder if all the universe is against me. This though, is the most memorable. How does one person enact a steady stream of terrible dates that way? Ahhhh, I can only laugh at having had the experience, and you can too in having heard of it.